BT: Tshuva on Tshuva

I heard from a fellow BT the concept of “tshuva on my tshuva” of the original tshuva being motivated by self interest and personal agenda. In other words “Lo lishma”.

I’m seeing it from a different perspective ...

The original tshuva - which for me began a few decades ago- was simply pekuach nefesh. My soul was suffocating in the world of gashmius/ materialism... Descending through the levels of tuma/ impurities. H-Shem- in his loving-kindness and rachamim lifted me out of the pit - as I was groping for air - seeking / searching for a way out. He opened the door His Torah to me - revealing the way out: an escape route / to the world of ruchnius where I could be free to discover my soul root (and not the other extraneous and foreign beliefs that were being projected on me till then). So for all these years I was immersed in the khal of Torah - “Lo lishma” so to speak - purely as a survival mechanism - for my soul to exist in this world. A safe haven - an insular bubble... where Shabbat, yomtovim, marriage, family, were focal. Halacha provided the boundaries / Gevura which were necessary to survive the world of hefker, where the “freedom” was strangling and a barrier to my essence and life force. It almost wasn’t by my choice. It was the Yad H-Shem which saved me. He chose me. B”H

The second tshuva is happening now with the revelation of the pnimius of Torah in my life. And with the support and connection with this chevra of mevakshim / soul sisters.

It’s rather a “tshuva WITHIN the tshuva”. It’s a refinement process. As Rabbi Labinsky teaches that it’s kicked up a level in service / purity / and connection. He said Gdly connection is like the refinement of gold. 10k Gold is not so hard to purify. To refine 14k gold, it’s a much more refined process and delicate instruments must be used for the extraction of subtle impurities.

So where the first teshuva was of NECESSITY and desperation (Gevura/ contraction) the second teshuva is of CHOICE (Chesed/ expansion) to come to Daas - to know HKBH and expansiveness of the geula consciousness.